The hunter game
by orielSPNforever
Summary: Dean's POV in The the hunter game preview.


A/n my muse died along with Dean after 9x23, and it has taken a long time for me to revive it…

And also I have been quite diffident of publishing my work again… so here goes nothing.

Not really a tag to The hunter game… but anyway spoiler alert for those who didn't see the preview. All recognizable dialogues are owned by the CW and I wish the boys are mine…but...

Rated T for Dean's language

Dean's POV for the first time in my life

Reviews are love :)

**THE HUNTER GAME**

Now I finally know how Sammy felt all those years ago, when he had all those visions and was not able to do anything to stop them. But then, he hadn't been the one to be massacring the poor saps then.

It's like being back in hell.

But again at that point, I had had a choice .and I had chosen the other way out.

Now I had never meant to heart them, even though those b*****ds deserved it.

For the first time in my hyper-annoying never deserved life, I had done something I had never meant to do, I was not in control of my actions and even though I have felt the gut-wrenching feeling of helplessness _cold oak-the convent- skull cemetery –the church…._before…

But now…

Now it's different .now it's a different type of helplessness _to be the one to have held the knife…._

Now again I finally know how Sammy felt when that sort of power curses through your veins, and it feels so _good and you don't want it to stop…. _ But then I had been so into my own pain and fear back then that I had not known how to stop it, I had been so selfish that I had not even bothered to ask him what had happened, to help. Wow Dean Winchester, Big brother of the year.

Now, I know just how much I owe Sammy, he had been the one to support both of us and still not topple with the combined how much a waste of space I had been even then, and all through that I had been so _righteously_ angry and indigenously angry with Sam for letting the power control him

Ah, the irony that fate spins through a Winchester's life.

I could hear Sammy and Cas talking about that poor girl Claire and it's basically like multiple punches to my gut.

And still through all that I could hear Sam trying to defend me, feeding Cas a line that went "we've all had to kill before" but Sam had never done it, not in his own accord, and even when something else much more powerful than him had been controlling.

Shivers still run through my spine whenever I think of how close I had come to decorating the wall of the bunker with his insides. Even when he had been possessed by the devil himself, he had been strong enough to throw him out and regain his control and not kill me.

But me?oh no. when I had been the one to swing a hammer at him, it had all been me, and I would have killed him and moved out of the place whistling _I'm too sexy _if it hadn't been for Sammy's amazing reflexes and Cas's perfect timing.

When Sam says that even though "we had had to kill, but that was…"and paused, trying to find the right word, I decided to make my grand entrance.

And instantly regretted the action, when I caught him flinching and tensing up. It's like back when we had got back together after the convent fiasco .Sam had been so tense around me back then too, as if he was expecting me to fulfill the promise I made to dad and him, that I would snuff him in his sleep for going dark side or some insane idea like that.

Then, I had never known how to get him to trust me again, trust me enough to sleep peacefully having me near him and then, I had thought what was the worst thing that could happen to me was.

Now, I know.

Now, Sam knows how close I had come to killing him, how close to it I, the big brother who once sold his soul so that I could see him breathing again, had come to ending his life and not bothering and I now wonder how he can stand so close to me and not be bothered, how he can stay within a hundred yards and not flinch.

But I catch him watching me warily, whenever he thinks I am not noticing and he tenses up whenever I catch him off guard. I would rather be in hell than that _look_ he gets after he sees my face after I noticed him flinch.

I don't blame him. I can't .I can't blame him, even if he decides to take off ,back to the girl, Amelia, I think that's what her name is.

I actually don't understand why he's sticking with me, after all this _death-disappointment-demonization_.

But I was under no misconception.

Now I know what I am. Not a hunter not even human, maybe barely human. Barely. So when Sam tried to _**Dean**_ me, I stopped him right there and gave him a piece of the truth. Like he needed to know what it was.

My mind reverted back to the night he had been drunk on three different adult juices and he had made me promise him that I would kill him, if he ever became something he wasn't.

I _am_ a man of my word, well, unless when I am _**not**_. So, now it was time for me to face the truth.

"It was a massacre. That's what it was .there was a time when I was a hunter. Not a stone cold killer. You can say it," I said not having the guts to see into Sam's puppy eyes and so darting my eyes from Sammy and Cas, both of whom looked like they wished they hadn't been interrupted .well, too bad for them, then. Because there was something I needed to get through to them.

"You are not wrong, I crossed the line. And this thing's got to go" I said, looking at the effing ugly, mark of murder. And Cas has to state the obvious, by saying "that won't be easy".

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Now, I was being desperate so I said desperately "well then, burn it off!Cut it off!"

And Cas explains to me in the ever suffering librarian tone of his-"it's more than just a physical thing. It would take a very powerful force to remove the effect"

And Sam pipes in saying "dean, we've been through all the lore, there's nothing…"and again I feel gut-punched… Cas's ominous statement of "it reaches back to the time of creation; maybe predate the lore…if we had the demon tablet…maybe…" and again, Sam has to throw in the gut punch with "you said it was missing" and Cas confirming it.

And Cas gets all musing and states "there might be another way" and we all know that tone, because it had been the same way he had told me "_But then I won't have to watch you fail. I'm sorry, Dean. I don't have the same faith in you that Sam does_."

And I know what he is thinking of ,I know that he is thinking of us going back to Cain and I really don't want to see that SOB again ,but I look at Sammy again, my little brother who I had to keep on the straight and narrow.

I had failed him in multitudes of times… and now I cannot .I have to fight this thing for his sake. For the sake of those who love me even through all my lousy ass mistakes. Whatever happened, it was always Sam and me, the both of us against this ugly world where if we were lucky the monster would just want to eat us.

P.S Dean is a little OOC maybe? Review and tell me how you felt. And Yay! Charlie and Cain are making a comeback and Season 11 has been announced! It's a glorious week for the #SPNfamily!


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